gray spaces

This is a guest post from my very cool friend Lorraine Caron. When Keri put it out there that she would be participating in the Pink Boa 5k today, I thought, "That sounds great, but 8 am registration?" Then I heard that Tiffany would be walking if her babe hadn't shown up, and I thought, "If a 9 month preggie woman can get out of bed to do it, I should... but 8 am registration?" So I decided to leave it up to fate and go if I woke up in time. Fate (aka 8 month-old Sierra) intervened and I was up by 7, just in time to grab a bite and head to Target to get shoes and pants. (Can you tell how long it's been since I've worked out?) And I'm glad I did. As it happened, Tiffany didn't walk (congrats, girl, hope I didn't spill your beans) but Keri, who had been up since 1 am still came out. So, even though I moseyed through the gate last, I don't feel like a loser. ;) They were missing lots of registrations as well as T-shirts smaller than XL, but...

So we've finally made a decision! We had our (groan) 7:00am appointment in Denver today, so we farmed out the girlys across Northern Colorado (many thanks to Sarah, Jo, Katie, Wendy and Wes) and headed down at, as the scheduler said, "0 dark:30". Dr. Paul was pretty cool. He began by recapping our entire journey from start till now, then he continued on to what his vision of treatment might include. Initially, I was annoyed, thinking, "Yeah, yeah, I know all this stuff--I've lived through it over the past two and a half weeks." But, actually, it ended up being a great baseline for us to start from. When he got to the treatment suggestions, he began by acknowledging that every treatment that has been suggested has been a reasonable option. Then he quoted a couple of recent studies and gave his recommendation, answered our questions, and then said "Yes," when we asked if we could seek care there. Turns out he's treated around 20 patients with my...

am so tired. I'm tired of telling the story from start til now (I almost wrote "start to finish" and then realized there is not yet a "finish"). I'm NOT tired of supportive, kind people who only want to do whatever they can, so please don't read into that. I'm just tired of talking and processing and wondering. We will go see a Dr. Dev Paul tomorrow of the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center in Denver. As of this writing, he has been highly recommended by the head of breast cancer at the National Institute of Health, as well as at least three patients with whom I've spoken directly. We are scheduled to meet with him at 7:00am, and they have scheduled an hour and 40 minutes for the appointment. Pretty damn impressive. That is, I am pretty impressive--my case, that is. We're starting to think that I'm somewhat of an anomaly, to be presenting so far along without a previous occurrence, and at my age, and with ER+ readings. Throw in the Her2 for gi...

Today was supposed to provide clarity. Psyche! No clarity, only more confusion. Some background for those who don't know: on Thursday, we sought a third opinion from an oncologist in Fort Collins. She had the Her2Neu results, and recommended hormonal therapy accompanied by Herceptin. Today, we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Tang at the CU Cancer Center, during which he told us of the recommendation from the Tumor Board which had met that morning. His recommendation changed from last Tuesday (which was hormonal therapy). Today he said he would recommend Taxol--a chemo drug--with Herceptin, rather than the hormonal therapy with Herceptin. Oh, and by the way, he said, there's a clinical trial that you qualify for which you can enroll in that would include this recommendation. Clark got quite agitated and began to ask if this sort of clinical trial was hard to fill--meaning, did Tang's recommendation for treatment change because of the availability of a clinical trial? To...

I thought I would post a few of the comments I've found myself making to people who are offering up their prayers, thoughts, and help. Everyone is so kind, and I'm trying to be gracious. Gracious and sarcastic, because I have to believe that you can be both. 1. (on an invitation to the blog) Please accept this invitation to keep updated on this hellish journey of mine (ain't I sweet, inviting you to hell and all?) 2. Thanks for your kind thoughts and fervent prayers. We're accepting all kinds at this time. Stay tuned for further developments--we might as well try to make this at least more entertaining than cable--after all, cancer can't have all the fun! 3. Since I last saw you, I've been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Basically, shit in a basket delivered to my front porch. 4. Clark's going to try to get back to work on Wednesday since we can't have him getting fired--getting cancer is so damned expensive--if I knew it would have been...

I dressed in my favorite pink born flip-flop wedges and a hot shirt and jeans I snagged from Plato's Closet. They can't give me bad news if I look hot, right? This morning we go get a brain MRI in Fort Collins, then to Denver to get the summation of the tumor board which will be meeting this morning. My hope is that we will have a plan for treatment at the end of that appointment. The weekend was tumultuous, but there were plenty of times I just felt like normal, which is such a mercy. As you've all been waiting, here is me and my bike. These aren't really flattering, but you're gonna LOVE the bike Also, on Saturday, my friend Dana, who I've known probably longer than anyone other than my own family, came up with her four daughters. It was hilarious to watch eight little girls in the back yard playing "Toilet Tag"--who knew? She and her husband Bob and their girls have had a journey of a lifetime--their fourth daughter Emersyn, who is now four, was bor...

I met a woman the other day who shares a similar history with me: we both hail from very conservative faiths, were reared on truths made up of very concrete terms like black and white, right and wrong, godly and ungodly. We met on an occasion where I was wearing my get born businesswoman hat—in a boutique that has generously agreed to carry my magazine. Therefore, I described to her the mission, vision and founding principles behind get born : that I strongly believe mothers are at a disadvantage as long as we’re not free to tell our truth. I told her that get born is very personal for me—that it embraces a nuancing of the truth that, for me, has been life-giving and brought me freedom where before there was frustration and anger. I told her that embracing the reality of my life as a conflicted woman—a mother, a spiritual being, a self—has given me tremendous fulfillment and, I hope, brought similar relief to the women who read get bor n. She nodded her head in agreement, shared some...